"Mahaba man ang araw, uuwi ka sa yakap ko.."

"Wag ka nang umiyak" by Sugarfree-LSS for two straight days [along with Paramore's "Franklin," actually]. It's such a wonder where Ebe Dancel gets all these words. Divine intervention, perhaps.


Anyway.
What made me listen to this song was probably, well, Divine intervention. It's one thing brought out the other purpose of my tear glands (one is making granules when I'm asleep), pouring emotions out. Yes, I cried [very ironical to the song's message]. *applause*.


Cheesy, but yes, I actually did cry. I was able to. And I'm rather grateful for being able to cry at random times of day since yesterday. Of course, those chances aren't like those instances before when, at day's end I cry for hours ["Like a wee baby"]. I really am thankful for these tiny snippets of time that I actually shed a few drops of tears, thus being freed from this burden that I feel inside. It's not that I'm going totally emo this past few days, it's just that, we humans need to loosen ourselves up sometimes. The arts, some good music and the 30-minute walks everyday help me, but nothing can be compared to actually crying [Like a baby].

Kindergarten




I am missing someone's embrace right now. Thanks to my blockmates, however, for giving me (or letting me give them) tons of hugs everyday! Weeeeeeeee!!! I love you siblings!ü

---

I still have got lots of things to say right now, but I'm trying to change.. I want to get rid of so much emo-ness.ü

thanks to audrey for some of her time, and still, for making me smile at random times everyday, to inang for appreciating the song that I gave her and Ate Leslie, to Chellie, Giezelle, Dude, Riel, Cathy and Nika (wee!!) for being there for me last Saturday when I felt so down.. Much Love!ü

One thing more, I'm adding a lot of links here, just click on them, please?ü

everyday he searches, everyday he finds.♥

---

next post: "Chaos."

Prelim Plate sa MDR: for my blockmates.

Nandito po 'yung prelim plate natin. goodluck blockmates!

Change. the missing part.

I'm so sorry, everyone.

Change. first part.

It's been more than two weeks since my last decent post.

Why the lag? I was too tired. I've been too tired lately, so tired that I could only do the most non-sense of the things that I do: my plates, reading, street art. It's all cliché, nothing more.

I wanted to be someone over those two weeks. Who that someone is, I never found out. I just wanted change.

7-11
Honestly, I've been so dependent [i depend on her presence to at least make my mood right, if not brightened up] to Odri before those two weeks of blog hibernation. I posted "Tell me you're dreaming with me," because I really wanted to take a pause from blogging, to take time to see each friggin' detail in the things that pass before my eyes in the three days that she'll be gone for CFAD's Leadership Training Seminar. 7-11 was the beginning.
After three long (read: loooooooooooong) days, they're back. I was like, "woah. ANG SAYA KOOOOO!" when I saw her passing through the back door of our classroom. That wasn't to make fun of her or anything, it was the way I really felt. until a few minutes later. I was such a freak. I felt weird, like I was torpe or something like that, pare.

there's a gap between the two of us.

No one said it's gonna be difficult.
Saturdays are the best days of the week. The past two Saturdays, however, were like, "ouch." There's this voice inside of me that always says, "go, tell her everything," and another one that answers, "Woah. It can't be too easy."

The first Saturday was fine. The next was disaster. My body was breaking down. I felt so ill I had to go home after the second of our three classes that day. I told you, I was dependent to her. I needed her. Her arms around me. Her words that always translated to "Everything's okay." Her presence. I was just that... I couldn't feel her.

Talk about difficult.
Van wasn't around during those times. I'd always say, "Si Van naman oh.. Pipili na lang ng araw na magkaka-sore eyes siya, 'yun pang panahong kelangan ko siya."

It's hard to be all alone in times that you don't choose to be. Painful.

Another Giezelle Issue [edit]
It sucks when you are hurt and words are hurled at you. It hurts when your face is thrown at with words from someone you used to love, as i f everything you did for that person was one big joke. Fupp it. For another time, I'd tell you. I loved you, okay? My chest feels like bursting when I think of it. You are not the girl that i loved. It sucks when you realize that you can't fulfill your promises. You would say things, assuming that things will stay the way they are forever...assuming that everything that's going on is real.


This time I won't be a fool.

next to the prelude

Tell me you're dreaming with me

...and I'll sleep here again.

---

thanks to kuya for today's greatest lessons... to Patty Pat Pat for singing, "That's what I like about you.ü" That should get me going.ü Moonyt, Baka.^oo^

I'm in love with the southern lights.

The title is no metaphor. Check out the list of things to fall in love with here.ü audrey! dadalhin kita sa south pole! magmomoment tayo dun!haha.ü kuya, pupunta tayo dito. tsaka hahanapin natin 'tong sampung tsiks na 'to! punta kayo sa link! bilis!ü

---

everyday he searches, everyday he finds.ü

one sad song.

---

hindi ako babae o bakla, ok?
gusto ko lang 'tong vid. as in gustong-gusto.
panoorin mu, ayos 2.

i wish that she was like the character the singer is trying to portray [not to be confused with the main character in the vid].

i wish she knew that what I wanted and wanted to give was love. my life. my tomorrows... and all that I have become. however, almost everything that happened was because of my weaknesses. all the things that I lacked. I can't blame her. I still can understand. I always will.

as tears flood my eyes while typing these words, all I want is to put all things, and ourselves into the right places. i want to see a genuine smile when I look at the mirror again.

today, as I go on with my life, getting rid of the pain becomes easier. I take advantage of the distance between us... but every moment is another struggle to pull back from keeping in touch again... pull back from falling in love with her again.

friends, I know that I am different. I am not like everyone... but I will be. I'm trying hard to be. this part of me, however, will never change. i want to give you my gratitude for the acceptance... for understanding. I will still love the way I know it should be, and very soon i will find someone who will love me the way i need to be loved.

i am no longer emo.

thanks to everyone. i am happy. someday soon, completely, i will be. very soon.

to the person who's making me smile at this very moment, i owe everything to you. i know that in one way or another, i will love you forever. let's just watch the things unravel. let them all unfold. just let me love you for the moment. let me love you this time.

---

thanks to my volleyball coach for today's greatest lesson. I swear that i'll try my best to be punctual all the time. and that i will listen to my body when it says it can't do what i want to do anymore. it's time to rest. good night world.

---

everyday he searches, everyday he finds.

Fear.

bata: takot po ako sa'yo tanga.
ale: bakit naman?
bata: eh ang salbahe mo po kasi tanga.
ale: salbahe? hindi kaya.
bata: salbahe ka po tanga.
ale: 'sus. 'di nga kita iniiwan eh.
bata: 'yun nga po 'yun tanga. 'di mo po ako iniiwan tanga.
ale: ano'ng ibig mong sabihin?
bata: nasasaktan po ako dahil sa'yo tanga.
ale: ba't naman?
bata: 'pag lumalapit po ako ng konti sa'yo sumasama po pakiramdam ko tanga.
ale: bakit? dahil maganda ako?
bata: ang kapal po ng mukha mo tanga.
ale: eh bakit pala?
bata: natatakot po ako kasi po maganda ka tanga.
ale: huh?! ang gulo mo.
bata: nasasaktan po ako kasi masarap 'yung pakiramdam 'pag nandiyan ka tanga.
ale: kunyari hindi nagkasalungat 'yung sinabi mo pitong linya bago 'to tsaka 'to.
bata: 'di mo naman po ako maintindihan tanga.
ale: ipaliwanag mo para masaya.
bata: masaya po ako 'pag nandiyan ka pero malungkot ako kasi po kapag lumapit ako ng konti sa'yo, nandiyan ka pa rin pero wala ka na pong pakialam sa'ken tanga.
ale: ...
bata: 'di ka na po namamansin tanga.
ale: ah ganun ba? ano gusto mong gawin ko?
bata: sana po pinapansin mo pa rin ako tanga. lagi mo po akong tinatawag pero kapag lumapit na 'ko parang pinagtitripan mo lang ako tanga.
ale: eh ba't nakakausap mo pa rin ako? 'di naman ako nangbabalewala ah.
bata: maya-maya ganun din po gagawin mo tanga. nakita ko po sa trailer tanga.
ale: ah, nanonood ka pala kahit commercial break.
bata: kahit naman po 'di ko panuorin 'yun, alam ko na po 'yung mangyayari tanga.
ale: pa'no naman?
bata: siyempre po eh parang replay lang po ito tanga.
ale: hinde, meh inedit dito. ang alam ko 'di kita sasaktan.
bata: eh ganyan din po sinabi mo sa'kin dati tanga.
ale: ganito ba?
bata: oo, ganyan po tanga.
ale: magmamahal ka ulit?
bata: takot po ako sa'yo tanga.
ale: magmamahal ka ulit?
bata: opo tanga.

---

thanks to dude and Karlo for Saturday's greatest lessons. to kuya and rojan for the fetch. yeah. to audrey for one great day. to elaine, beej and niane for visiting me in my sleep.

---

everyday I search, everyday I find.

a Re-post.

'nuff said.

---

thanks to j-ann for yesterday's wonderful lunchtime [pinuntahan niya ko sa manila! sa'n ka pa?! (lolz)], kuya Elliot and Van for always being there [naks!] and Cathy and Nika for the time we spent in the botanical garden, Patricia for the walk, Taut for going to uste last friday, and audrey for being there with me on my first day.

---

everyday he searches, everyday he finds.

singing to nika's tune.

Nika, kaya natin 'to. yeah. Good luck sa'tin.

Swerte sans its meaning

Mga artistang taga-uste! punta tayo! kahit prelims! haha.ü

visit graphikamanila.com for more details.ü

---

kuya maqui! thnx sa info.ü thnx to the people in the fx terminal for today's greatest lessons.

---

everyday he searches, everyday he finds.

It ends tonight.

This thing doesn't end though it has to. I've been hers for more than a year, a length of time that might have been too short for true love to grow.

But the thing did end.

It still hurts but I'll go through it gracefully. I'll fall in love again someday.soon, and I want to love the next girl who crosses my path more than I've ever loved Giezelle. The best luck means that I won't be deceived again. help me.

I won't make this post long, I just wanted to tell you that it's over. Hopefully, it's over.

I'm sorry for not being enough. I'm sorry for making the most foolish mistakes.

This has to be the last chance that I'd tell you I love you. I really used to.

Thanks for everything.
Thanks for some of life's greatest lessons.
See you someday.
"'til tomorrow."

---

special thnx to Van and Riza for listening, and for today's greatest lessons, Audrey [Love is like tying a necktie, when you do it incorrectly, undo the necktie, try to tie it again, and repeat the process until you get it right.ü]
and Rojan [Hope that she'll find someone who'll make her happy, but also consider the fact that you also need someone to take care of you and love you as you have to be loved.]

---

everyday he searches, everyday he finds.

Irony.

I want to grow with her, but the irony is that I can't because I haven't grown up enough to be worthy of that chance.

Loneliness haunts me. (literally) I want to stop dreaming of the next time that I'll be alone, which in layman's term means that I can actually speak to myself or at least, think. Let me tell you this: I really want to fall in love again. It's just that I'm too insecure about my immaturity in comparison with the people I meet in school. In a sudden I felt so out of place, but happy about it because they are more learned in contrast to who I currently am, which means that I learn from them. A lot. Problems, problems. So what exactly confuses me right now? More than just one thing.

Am I wasting time?

Am I throwing chances?

Should I move?

Should I listen to what I feel this early?

Will they still be there?

Will she go away?

Is it really too early?

Are things going too fast?

Am I keeping up with their pace?

Have I really been left behind?

Conclusions can turn to regrets soon. They have to be flexible. As for now, these are the things that I want to do:

Get her out of my mind.

Know my blockmates better.

Know her better.

Set a reasonable deadline for myself to conclude.

Wait.

I know I have to do something. The irony is that I don't really know what I have to do.

Call this a nightmare. An NDE.

The dreamer needs help. He needs you.

---

Xtian, thnx for the great company. "Pogi," get well soon. Mr. Cruz, my volleyball mentor, thnx for this day's greatest lessons. Special thnx to the hobos on the streets. 'Ma, i'm sorry for having to go home not on time. 1-5, tot•toy, and everyone else, I terribly miss you.

---

everyday he searches, everyday he finds.

Good morning.

The better life starts today.

That's all.

"We tend to ignore our mistakes when we see how worse the other person's wickedness is."
That was what I understood from what the priest who celebrated the mass I heard said during his homily. I believe in everything he said.

Mr. Dreaming forgot to turn the lights off again.
Every time I feel pain, I try to cry. Last Saturday, I sat between Audrey and Van, Patski beside him. I found it hard to concentrate on the classes, thinking of many things Giezelle told me (a comment on friendster and an SMS). I wanted to cry. A teardrop fell down my left cheek, and how it felt sucked. it was the last (it wasn't even enough for anybody to see). I had to bear the feeling until almost 48 hours after (and counting). However, I'm thankful for the lotsen lotsa help. The people who surrounded me were the best. There was Virmon to my right during the first subject, Gab to my left, Carlo, behind me. Then, during the rest of the day in school, in addition to what was previously mentioned, were Lesley, April, and Riza right behind where I sat. They rocked my day and painted lots of smiles on my face. I can also remember Kuya Dude going to our place in the room just to tell me he missed us. lol. See? They sure know how to make boring days rock. But heck, at the end of each lovely day I still find myself lying in my bed and singing random sad songs. Eff it.
Things that mattered.
Actually, nothing pretty much happened during my Sunday, which is why I don't have that much to say aside from the mass I heard, seeing Ornussa Cadness *giggles*, and buying a new stuffed toy.
It was my li'l sister's birthday, anyway, but I slept through almost the whole day. I'm writing (typing) this because I wanted to tell you, my fans, este, fellow dreamers, all the things that mattered in my emo-infested Saturday. First: the über-annoying Theo class made a big deal. damn. It might even have been the thing that ruined my day. Next. Audrey gave me a smile+a nod when I told her that I wanted to sit beside her. That mattered. Van sat beside me and took from me his dose of emo-ness. Patricia followed. There they were. Audrey, Van and Patski equaled fun. I love them. Next: The Lunch, April, April's cam, and Odie's photo shoot. Next: That "I ♥ Audrey" message Odie wrote behind my left hand almost made me forgot about Giezelle. Next: Audrey+Van (yes, that day was all about them. almost.) saying with me that the sky looked beautiful. We even took pictures of it. Then, I wasn't that much uncomfy with Louiegee and Chrisie around anymore. After that, I went home. Early.
complements
Nika+Audrey+'nang ku. thnx for dropping some lines on friendster. Audrey, I really appreciate it. special thanks. labyuberimats. lolz.ü
One song
I heard this song in SOP this yesterday afternoon, and although it was covered by my favorite singer (ironically, mind you), Brenan Espartinez, it wasn't that much far from successful in an attempt to make me cry.

---

everyday he searches, everyday he finds.

God•Study

I terribly miss ñors.

This morning we had our class in theology, and it was one looong discussion between our professor and himself. I am not a fan of preachers. At least I'm learning from him, anyway... maybe I just miss the fun we had in Mr. Daep's class back in high school--so much.

"Does it take life to believe?"
That question woke me up. Prof. Ortega shared with us an anecdote about a girl who jumped from the fourth floor of the AB building during one of his class. He told us that one of his students, before the incident answered no when asked if she believed in life after death. He countered with a challenge: "What if God makes his presence felt right now?" Upon knowledge of the incident (the suicide), his students, he told us, rushed downstairs to see the girl for themselves. He went with them, and asked the nonbeliever what the people around have to do with the remains. He suggested that they throw the body into the trash bin or a somewhere else, depriving the girl of a proper burial. The non-believer answered, "Humans are rational beings, and in our psychology class, we were told that 'the body is the temple of the soul." After that, she believed.
That wasn't enough for me. I want to learn. I'd have faith with knowledge. I know almost everyone would raise an eyebrow if I told them that I don't believe in God, but truth is, it really is difficult for me to believe in what prof says because we can't ask. Maybe I need some divine intervention or a miracle, I'll never know. However, I believe in God. I believe in his existence as much as I know that the image of myself smashing this keyboard with angst is not a dream. I want more freedom of expression in our Theo101 class (when Audrey was asked how God became part of history, he laughed with sarcasm. When I was asked what nature God possesses and if I believed that values need hierarchy, he laughed and I hated it. When kuya Dude answered, "Marami," when asked what makes him believe in God, he wasn't given another chance to say a word. When Lesley told him that she maintains a good relationship with God through believing in him without doubts, he gave her a look of discontent.) . I encourage 1ad5 to do something. He'll change us, we can change him, too. Constructively.
His was the most interesting class today, even if I almost never enjoyed a second of the three lecture hours. I've learned a lot from him. He's a bright man, and knows what he wants to say. I would just want to see change in his class. I need more space to speak, more chances to counter what he says if I have an idea. Theology is important to me. I need something to believe in. I need more things that could come in handy when I need them to change the world. I just can't take this for granted.
Mr. Ortega gave us a short lecture about St. Thomas Aquinas during the last hour of our class. I've gained from him a little understanding and a new person to look up to. I loved St. Thomas' question: "What is God?" If only everyone thinks that way. Paraphrasing Super!, "We can't say we found God if we weren't the one who looked for him."

Pride and Pain
I know I have been too proud these days. And I hate this. I hate hesitating to send her a text message, showing some love, telling her that I believe in what she says, and giving forgiveness. Fuxx. Who will understand? Who will see without asking? Who will be there? Show up. Get in touch. Audrey, would you be that? Pat? Riel, Van, Evan, Kuya Dude? Nika? Anyone? I need no affection. I need no ears. I need no sympathy.

No, I don't.

I need help. Don't ask. Just be there. 'nuff.

"Fides quaerens Intellectum"

One of the greatest words I heard this day.

---

Van, Audrey, Pat. Thank you for this day's greatest lessons. I'll see you in my sleep. Goodnight.

---

everyday he searches, everyday he finds.

Life sucked.

"...malungkot-ako 'pag walang txt galing SA'YO"

-anonymous.

not sure.
Alright, alright. I'm hurting her. Maybe.

This day I tried damn hard to put on a smile. Audrey and Nika helped me out. Then there's Kuya Dude. and Van. and Rojan. Then Andrew, 'riel. Tot+ his blockmate Edz. Almost everyone, actually.
I was just wond'ring how everyone else would be there for you but you'd still feel emo without that person. I hate being unfair, but all along, I was. She's trying to reach hard, but I won't grab her hand and go with her. I'm afraid. I was hurt. I'm hurting.

Fuck life. I still love her.

I'm trying to go on. "move on," they'd say. Howeffinever, I can't. I just can't forgive right away, I just can't forget. I hate living this way, but I know that choices won't change what you feel. We don't have all the control over our feelings. I can't simply choose to forgive her, because I already did and this still is the situation that I'm in. I've lost all trust. I've lost all faith. I want to be there for her. I want to love her. I want to be what I told her I'll be for her. I still can be that, if she stays silent. This I tell you: I hate limits. I hate boundaries. I never wanted this.

". . . it really makes me wonder if I ever gave an F about you. Give me something to believe in 'cause I don't believe in you anymore."

-Maroon5, Makes me Wonder

I'll move on, dammit.

---

everyday he searches, everyday he finds.

They do know me.

According to a chain message posted on friendster yesterday, this is what a gemini baby is:

"The Liar
Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not
one to mess with.Funny. Excellent
kisser. extremely adorable. Loves
relationships. addictive."

Yes, I lie.
More often than not, I hide what I really feel. A man wouldn't ever want to be hated by many for how that man wants to live his life, anyway. However, in most cases, everyone would go against you. Everyone would bother. Everyone would freak out.
I never want to do this, but I lie to live my life in the most convenient way that I can. Fortunately I am pursuing a career where I am in an environment where almost people mutually exist with each other, with acceptance, if not understanding. I'll pass through this phase.
Yes, they love me.
but I am too numb to feel. Honestly, this phase that I'm in was caused by the deception I experienced from Giezelle and Treb. It's not that I put the blame on them, but it's the truth. I now find it very difficult to believe what others tell me they feel, what they make me feel, or even what I feel. Deception is the thing I hate most.
I am spontaneous...
because I'm too lazy to prepare.
I am not one to mess with.
I am über sensitive, but most of the time I'm harmless. I am not anymore suicidal, but I tend to keep to myself the pain. I think I am not one to mess with if you care. But feel free to bully.
I am not funny.
...but I have a lot of fun..^_^
I don't know if I am an excellent kisser, but I sure am not that much adorable.
seductive would have been the better word.;p
I hated relationships.
but I sure will love the next one.
I am addictive.
note:It takes a lot of time to get to know me.

other words:
Audrey told me that I'm bitter. To clarify things, I really have been. But many people know that I wasn't. *kwento ku nlng seo odie.^_^*

Kanina nagalit sa'kin si Cathy.
at nasaktan ako sa dahilan. pero sorry po talaga kung mali 'yung sagot ko. that was just what I thought was right--don't say you know a person right away. Ako kasi, personally, alam 'to ng mga naging kaibigan ko at nakakasakit ako dahil dito, pero kahit matagal na akong kilala 'nung tao sa pangalan, sa mukha, sa pagkakamali at sa mga na-witness niyang experiences ko, sinasabi kong hindi niya pa ako kilala. (talk about being bitter) I hope we could settle our differences soon. tC. I'm sorry.

may atraso pa ako kay tot
and everyday I feel more sorry. Sorry talaga bro.

---

everyday he searches, everyday he finds.

Birth.

New blog, new life.
Anyone who knows me really well know that I've wanted to blog since I knew that I could. But hell, I almost never did. Fortunately, I had one attempt at blogging, but on the other hand, I hated damned it for being not flexible in terms if design. I hate limits, and that held me back from actually writing. I created this blog selfishly, to discern who I really am, but generously enough to share this "quest" with you. Yes, sweetie, that's right.
The perfect day.
This day, I know, was pre-destined to be the birth of this blog, since it is the first time ever that I showed a fragment of my personality to my blockmates of a week and a day in 1ad5. It also marks the day when being a Fine Arts student of the Royal Pontifical Catholic University of the Philippines majoring in Advertising sunk in to me. What it meant was that I believe that today is when I realized how much responsibility I need to carry on. I'm obliged to be responsible, being a student, a beneficiary, a kuya and a son. (it might have been too late, eh?)
I have a vision.
I thought I was going to be Mr. Dreaming forever, without considering being Mr. Seeing. That was what I didn't have. A vision. In our Lettering class this morning, Sir Boyet Caaway gave us one inspiring quote that read "One of the rarest thing[s] that a man does is to do the best he can." That was one helluva discussion. I really am in love with 1ad5
--we simply are the best.
I see myself as someone who'll see what he dreams and hopes for. That's what my vision is. It may sound cliché, but I am here to change the world--the very day I discover myself.

"A dream is something you may want to achieve, but a vision is something that you will die for."

I see myself with that girl that I will love. I'm not sure who she is or how she looks like, but we'll leave a mark on the world with our art, our thoughts, ourselves and everything else that we and will have--together.
Very soon.
I know I'm close to finding myself. wait for me. I'll catch up with your pace. I'll move the world, too. Join me in my sleep.
Let's dream together.

---

everyday he searches, everyday he finds.